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After a harrowingly frustrating weekend in the lab, I swear I will not go into the lab and do heavy-duty lab work anymore. At best it’ll be innoculations for overnights. That’s it.

Time to chill on the weekends buddy. Chill and wait. That’s probably better than actually doing lab work. Wait, just as the Israelites did for 3 days before crossing Jordan.

Appearances are deceiving. Indeed.

Stop looking at your target and saying, “What a great thing/person it/he/she is.”

You do not understand the internal struggles, the defects, the imperfections that are present.

Stop revering earthly things.

You do not see beyond the polish.

Stop.

Let the thing be the thing that the thing is, and let him be himself who he is, and let her be herself who she is.

Does not the Maker have the power to mould and shape each individual into a glorious vessel and a cheap vessel, both at His own will?

Let the Maker do His own job, and let us stop tagging things and people with labels.

After leaving from the lab at 9:30PM, having sat there writing, feeling distracted and then giving up on all hopes of writing up the proposal, I decided to just take off and leave.

Something brought me to the solace of the Rose Garden at UBC, a place that is quiet and tranquil amidst the night lights that keep it illuminated within the blanket of the night.

Suddenly, the blanket of the night makes the night not so cold. Listening to hymns and worship songs and gazing at the night sky, I didn’t feel the cold that accompanied the chill of the night. Staring at the night sky, I spotted the Big Dipper and the hunter, shining amidst a rare clear night in Vancouver. I saw the crescent moon, headed towards a waxing after emerging from a waning.

Looking down, I saw the warm lights illuminating the pavilions in the Rose Garden, the bare thorns or roses that have yet to blossom into flowers again. A beautiful garden, especially in the summer, but now with a different take – warmth within the coldness, a reflection of the tender care that went into building the garden.

Having worked so hard all term, suddenly I thought of you again. It’s been over 2 years now. Aside from the occasional buzz on Facebook, the rare message over MSN, we’ve gone our separate paths. You are on your way to becoming a doctor, and I am on my way to becoming a scientist. Our paths converged for a year, and then we parted altogether in the end. My friend, how are you doing now? It’s been a while indeed. Has life been treating you well?

I see my life, and I’ve accomplished much, but yet amidst that, I have the duality of failure accompanying it. Yes, I have walked entirely on the path of being a research-bound undergraduate, and I have had glimpses of the promised land, when I will be carrying out my own research project full-time, doing something that I really enjoy. Yes, I have won scholarships, emerged victorious at competitions, established a reputation amongst my peers and most of all, done great work here at UBC, but I still have missing parts in my life.

Yes, there is the promised land, a time and place when I will be doing research of my own. But there is also the uncompromisable reality of walking this path alone, with only a few friends here and there walking with me on parts of the journey. My first-year friends have gone their own ways, some to different programs, others within the programs but taking a longer co-op route. New friends that I have made have come and gone. This group of people I hang out with now, the iGEM people, will all be gone by the time we finish this project and I move onto the next step.

As I listen to the song, “I Will Be Here”, I cannot help think, what a beautiful song, indeed. It is a wedding song, but as a Christian song, it also speaks mightily of the love of Christ for all of humanity. At the center of the song is the message, “I will be here.” A duty that one puts on oneself towards one’s life partner, one that sounds simple yet demands a lot of focus, discipline and concentration amidst the distractions of the world. A duty called out of pure love for one’s significant other. Yet, at times I think forward and wonder, will that day come, that I have the courage to tell anybody that “I will be here”? Will that day come, that I can overcome my fears of loss and disappointment again? Will that day come, that I will be able to tell anybody my darkest and deepest secrets that would disappoint the ordinary person, and, out of love, still face acceptance and encouragement in the midst of sinning? Will that day come, that I will be mature enough to handle the real challenges of interpersonal relationships?

As I type, I sigh, because unlike the visions of victory in a competition, unlike the visions of accomplishing a project and seeing the end results, unlike the visions of seeing a paper of my own being published, I cannot envision myself doing those things aforementioned above. There’s that insecurity that I still cannot overcome, a sense of not wanting to disappoint the other party, a desire not to make the same mistake of a distant relationship that stops me from getting close to anybody. Because if I try, there may be no point down the road when I, once again, walk my own path and she her own. Or, in the case of a buddy, a brother, a close friend, the pain of separation is huge too… to not have a buddy to chill around and chat with when there’s nothing to do after enjoying months of each other’s company.

Right now, I recognize that I am of value to others for what I can do, my capabilities, what I can offer to them. But I wonder if in this world there is value of myself simply for who I am? Will anybody recognize that? Will I be able to recognize that value of everybody else? Will I stop being utilitarian like the world asks me to, and instead recognize the intrinsic value of the human being?

Suddenly, the night is cold, and I think I should go back home. I look up to the stars, and amidst the light pollution from the garden, the campus, the city, they don’t seem as clear as when I first arrived. The light aura veils the true glory of the night sky, just like the Milky Way that I saw at Bamfield.

No, I cannot be distracted. Must. Go. On. Look at the sky again, but close your eyes this time. You will see the truth behind the veil. Success takes sacrifice.

Okay, that settles it. I’m gonna have to lose weight. The stool was the last straw. Hopefully the leg scars don’t go away, as a reminder…

On second thought, you’re quite lucky. People like you. Haha, romance falls your way. As for me, however, I don’t get that kind of luck. Must be because of my serious research geek complex. It certainly is for the better – the last time I was in a relationship, both parties got hurt so badly.

I hope the funding comes in soon. The more funding we have at our disposal, the better. It’ll be easier for us to carry out the research. I can’t wait to go out to start negotiations.

Will school turn for the better? I sure hope so. Just get back into the 80s, just get back there…

Well, I trust your skills in negotiating a tricky and rocky path. You’ll do fine. May God bless you with wisdom and clarity to see His vision for your life.

I shall try out resolutions, just like Jonathan Edwards. I resolve to not waste time, but make productive use of every moment.

Jeremiah 33:1-26 (i.e. the entire chapter) talks about restoration of the Israelites. One line struck me the most – “I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me.” Oh how I wish that would just happen in an instant. Then again, God’s timing is not my timing – his “instant” is my lifetime.

I pray, I pray, that this sinful body of mine will get cleansed. Soon. Please… please…

So as some may know, and as many may not know, my Bible reading petered off last term, just as the school year started. It’s no surprise, then, that my own relationship with God has become estranged. Much unlike last year, when I was closer, more in tune. It has taken me a good 6 months to start at it again.

It started yesterday, just as I was studying for Biochemistry today. I thought, it’s time to stop wandering, to get back to the source of wisdom, the source of knowledge, the source of all good things again. I hope itdoesnt stop at those two days… Oh Lord, help me…

It’s time to be thankful, grateful. Hmm… reflections in the washroom, on the toilet bowl, or in the shower always help.

以便以谢到如今耶和华都帮助我们

祂是创造天地的主

在祂岂有难成的事

来投靠祂不用惧怕

看祂为你成就大事